Play One on TV

Someone asked me if I had a privacy policy. I said, “What, you mean like those inserts I get in my credit card statements that promise me they’ll never, ever, ever sell my personal information unless they’re offered a really great gob of money?” And then I thought about it. A privacy policy… hmm… (yes, I go “hmm” in my head)… you know, a privacy policy would bring a sense of legitimacy to this whole web blogging thingamajig. Yeah, maybe I could wrangle an invite to one of Donald Trump’s parties if I started flashing a real, honest-to-gosh privacy policy around here.

So I turned to my lawyer to order an immediate draft of the POOTVPP (the Play One on TV Privacy Policy). Then I realized I don’t have a lawyer. Plan B — read the privacy policies of other websites. Let’s try the one at the Associated Press for an example. Okay, a couple clicks and I’m there, navigate to the privacy policy… got it… Hmm… (there’s that sound again)… hmm… hmmzzzzzz… zzzzz…

Okay, that was good for a nap. Obviously I am not the sort of person that should be reading other people’s privacy policies, at least not as long as I can maintain good sleeping habits.

Plan C — just wing it. So here goes. If you feel like I missed something that’s terribly important to you, email me at and we can discuss a mutually beneficial arrangement. Bring your checkbook.

My Privacy Policy
By Joe Goodwin, Esquire
(I have no idea what an esquire really is, but I see lawyer types use it all the time. Maybe it will help me if I end up in court. Gotta impress those judges, you know.)

Where was I? Oh, yes, pretending to be a lawyer type. Be it herefore known to all through the land that I, lord and master of these web demenses… nah, way too 16th century. Do-over.

This website known as Play One on TV (hereafter to be referred to as POOTV, and without that goofy smirk I see on your face, thank you very much) does not keep any single-user statistics - as far as I am concerned, your visits are completely anonymous to me unless you choose to leave comments. For that matter, you could even lie in the comments section and say you’re Elvis Presley (unless, of course, you really are Elvis, in which case you aren’t lying, but you certainly haven’t improved your cultural tastes in the last 30 years). The point is that I neither track nor store any information that can be traced specifically back to you. I do make use of counting services and scripts that may use tracking cookies in order to facilitate your repeated visits. However, given my relatively benign amount of knowledge concerning HTML, PHP, XML, and other acronyms like that, you’re in absolutely no danger of me decoding this tracking information.

Even if I do manage to obtain personal information through some happy accident, I will not sell, rent, barter, or otherwise trade in this information with other parties. Not even for great gobs of money. Probably not, anyway.

I have enabled you, the gentle reader, to leave comments in several parts of this website. All comments become my property to use and abuse as I see fit, although I promise not to misrepresent anything you might say or do. Unless it’s really funny. You can also choose to email me, and it will be understood that I reserve the right to reprint all or part of what you send for purposes of commentary, critique, or because I’m too damn lazy to come up with my own content. Once again, I promise not to misrepresent you, unless you’re Pauly Shore, in which case I’ll misquote you until the cows come home and sit on my keyboard. If you don’t like this, you can say “Don’t quote me” in the email, and I promise not to quote you (although your comment might end up on the restroom wall at the Midway rest stop of the Turner Turnpike).

Finally, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, I do not employ an army of editors, copyists, writers, or even a secretary. You can therefore be assured that anything you see here is my own work, unless otherwise attributed to the person from whom I stole it. This means that everything here is ©2005 by me, Joe Goodwin. These writings represent my opinions and my opinions only, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of my employer, my church, my Scout Troop, any number of nuns from my old high school (Catholic, ya know) or of Brad Henry, the Honorable Governor of the State of Oklahoma.

If any of this disturbs you, let me know and I will be glad to send you a copy of the privacy policy from one of my credit card bills. I have the Chase Manhattan policy right here, and let me tell you, it’s guaranteed to take you from Starbucks to sleepytime in less that three minutes.