Play One on TV

10. “Dad, the police said they would waive my charges if you agreed to repay the mausoleum for damages.”

9. “Did you ever notice how the dog never poops when he’s on the leash?”

8. “…and this is Pokemon rare card number 8,204 from the Pokemon Extreme series, which differs from the standard Charmander Number 8 by this slightly reddish border. Try using this color chart and the microscope…”

7. “The boss said we had to sort all the bad cottage cheeses from the good. I’ll take the left half of the room.”

6. “…and then we found this beauty in the elephant’s trunk…”

5. “Oprah, I am so in love with Katie! Hey, does this couch have good springs?”

4. “You have the right to remain silent.”

3. “Coach, my mom said I could play as long as you said my sores looked okay.”

2. “In difference number 38, you can clearly see that Han shot first in the original movie, but Greedo shot first in the special edition. Now, in difference number 39…”

1. “Senator, I do not have any recollection of those events.”

10. “… as giddy as Liberace at a shoe sale.”

9. “… more guests than you can shake an Oprah at.”

8. “… thinner than Calista Flockhart on an Ethiopian tour.”

7. “… funnier than a Fox Channel full of Wayans.”

6. “… as arresting as Martha Stewart at a stock sale.”

5. “… faster than a pool full of Spitzes (alternative usage: field full of Flo-Jos)

4. “… as unlikely as a Baldwin Oscar nomination.”

3. “… CarrotTop-esque.”

2. “… more wacko than Jacko.”

1. “… stupid is as Scientology does.”

In today’s news, Iran announced the successful test of two underwater missiles, each of which are reportedly capable of destroying large warships and submarines at depth. My reaction: A desert country has underwater capability? Okay, who gave the Iranians a submarine? Come on… ‘fess up!

This got me wondering what other unmentionable goodies the Revolutionary Guard has under lock and key. Ever the industrious international spies, our operatives at the home office in Tehran bring us tonight’s list: Top Ten Secret Iranian Super-Weapons.

Editor’s note: I am blatantly ripping off my old, dearly departed blog from three years ago. On that occasion, this was the “Top Ten Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.” That pesky history, always repeating itself.

10. The White Ranger Falcon Zord

9. A lifetime supply of expired 10-10-321 calling cards

8. An Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator

7. Remnants from Luciano Pavoratti’s liposuction

6. A recording of Gilbert Gottfried singing “Burning Love”

5. Jimmy Carter’s dentures

4. Mr. T’s collection of rectal thermometers

3. 10 copies of “101 Strings Plays the Hits of Ozzie Osborne

2. The solution to Rubik’s Cube

1. A fully-functioning cowitzer

I’m always a sucker for a good Top Ten list, especially ones about Star Trek that are written by my brother.

(…not jealously wishing I had written some of those myself…)

10. Agree to let him in only if he is willing to listen to your pitch on behalf of the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

9. With a a wild-eyed look and a quaver in your voice, ask him if he is the replacement agent from the surveillance team. Regardless of how he answers, answer “Thank God. I can’t take any more!” Hand him a pair of binoculars and leave the house for about an hour.

8. During the opening interview, pull out a cigarette and light it, making sounds of absolute pleasure every time you take a drag. In between bouts of hacking and spitting of yellow phlegm, ask repeatedly about coverage limits and when the first premium is due. Occasionally look at your watch and hurriedly drag on the cigarette again.

7. Ask if his firm offers a rider for coverage in the event you find rats in your Coke can.

6. Answer the door in a sequined purple g-string, dancing to the sounds of the Weather Girls hit “It’s Raining Men” playing loudly on your home stereo. (Bonus: be an overweight white guy in his forties).

5. Begin every sentence with the phrase, “Parenthetically speaking, of course…” while making a parenthesis sign with your hands.

4. When he starts to ask you questions about income, personal health, or existing coverage, decline to answer on the grounds that it may violate your Fifth Amendment rights against self-incrimination.

3. When reviewing the contract, take a big red pen and heavily circle every clause that makes reference to “suicide.” When he asks you about this, say, “Oh, this isn’t for your benefit. It’s for theirs.” Waggle your eyebrows and make surreptitious head motions to the ceiling.

2. Ask if your other five distinct personalities are covered under the same policy, or if a rider will need to be purchased for each one. Ask if the addition of a new personality qualifies as a “life-changing event” for purposes of coverage adjustment.

1. Spend the entire interview speaking just like Emo Philips.

From the home office on Memory Alpha comes the Top Ten Answering Machine Messages from the Star Trek crew. *beep*

10. Commander Data: “If you will enunciate clearly into the speaking apparatus, the soundwave storage mechanism will acquire your signal for replication at the sounding of the 308 hertz tonal signal. I will endeavor to convey a reciprocating verbal composition at my earliest convenience.”

9. Captain Kirk: “If you are a blonde, press 1; brunette, press 2; if you are a female of a superior species, press 3; if you have green skin or two heads, press the star key to be connected directly to my personal secretary.”

8. Doctor McCoy: “Damn it, I’m a doctor, not a messenger service!”

7. Worf: “True warriors do not leave messages, but call back later. For it is a good day to dial.”

6. Kahn Noonian Singh: “From hell’s heart I stab at thee. With my last breath, I spit at thee. With my next call, I shall answer thee.”

5. Doctor Phlox: “Amazing! Why, it’s a primitive communications recording device - how very quaint! I’ve seen these described in old human literary texts. This device bears a striking resemblance to the Gorashnian Pinbarb Slugs on Merak Three - I think I have a picture of them in here somewhere… ah, here they are. You see, they have a remarkable ability to record the spoken word, and unlike the human devices with their one minute time limit, Pinbarb Slugs ca…”

4. The Holographic Doctor: “Please state the nature of the telephone emergency.”

3. Seven of Nine: “Being at home is irrelevant. Calling back is futile. Your message will be assimilated. We will add its distinctiveness and content to our own.”

2. Captain Archer: “Uh, hello? Hello? (blows on microphone) Is this thing on? Hello? Um… hey, Trip, is this thing working or not? Hello? Hello? Darn it, I see the little light blinking, but how do I tell if it’s recor…”

1. Ensign Rodriguez from Security: “Hi, I’ve been assigned to my first ever landing party, so I can’t come to the phone right now. Leave a message and… oh my God, what is that thing? Stay back! Stay back, or I’ll… Aaaauugh!!! (sound of phaser fire and bones crunching)”

I had the extreme misfortune to grow up in the 70’s, which means I have neither the social consciousness of the 60’s nor the sustaining self-interest of the 80’s. I also missed out on the drugs (on either side).

Despite this lack of cultural opportunity, I still managed to miss a few chances to cut loose, have fun, and become a corporate raider. On those rare occasions when I entertain the “wish I could do it over again” fantasy, I ruminate over these Top Ten Regrets Held Over from the 70’s:

10. Never got ruffles with my rental tuxedo.

9. Should have given into the urge to change my name to “Daryl Dragon” (of Captain and Tennille fame). Sure, their music was banal, but with a name like Daryl Dragon, why would I care?

8. Less Star Trek, more Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

7. Should have gone to a rock concert. Any rock concert. It would have saved me from the later embarassment of admitting that my first ever rock concert was… er… a Sheena Easton concert. Yeah, I know, it’s sad…

6. Never had a Pet Rock. Lots of rocks, yes, but none of them did cute pet-type things like coming when called, rolling over, sitting up to beg, crapping pebbles all over the floor, etc.

5. Shouldn’t have eaten that extra donut. Or that one. Or that one. Oh, and that one, too. And that one. And that one…

4. Never shaved my chest to look more like Captain Kirk.

3. A childhood friend once hit me with a baseball bat, and later apologized. He grew up to be a convicted murderer. I should have hit him back.

2. Passed up that opportunity to get a Dorothy Hamill haircut.

1. Wish I would have used my Mister Microphone to tell that hot lady, “Hey, baby, we’ll be back to pick you up later!”

Much of the recent sports news has been given over to the figure skating controversy from the 2002 Winter Olympics. To prevent a similar occurance at the 2006 Olympics, officials have overhauled the performance criteria and judging system.

Our home office in Turin, Italy did a little snooping about and managed to unearth some details. For the edification of the NBC viewing audience, we present: Top Ten Changes in Olympic Figure Skating.

10. Former US president Jimmy Carter will lead a team of UN observers to monitor the balloting process.

9. New tie-breaker phase: Barrel Jumping.

8. Commentator Scott Hamilton will lose a finger every time he uses the words elegant or flawless.

7. Failure to complete all required elements will result in a “little dressing room visit” from Shane Stant, former bodyguard for Tonya Harding.

6. Bonus points will be awarded for “doing what Brian Boitano would do.”

5. An artitifical backbone will be strapped to the back of the French judge’s chair.

4. Drunk Olympic biathletes will shoot at the competitor’s feet, shouting, “Dance! I said dance, hombre!”

3. Mrs. Melba Pratt, 2nd-grade teacher from Huchison, Kansas, will intercept any notes that the judges attempt to pass between them, especially “that sneaky Russian judge. I have my eye on you, mister!”

2. Female competitors will be ranked on whether or not they “skated way better” than that girl from Ice Castles.

1. New skating move: the Triple Axle Rose.

Godaddy.com has built a reputation for aggressive pricing on domain name registrations and web hosting solutions. They have also built a reputation for aggresive marketing through the use of racy Super Bowl commercials. These ads feature young, buxom women in clothing barely adequate to the task, skirting the ever-changing boundary of decency in a post-Janet Jackson world.

Their latest ad has galvanized the debate on the place of propriety (or lack thereof) in American television advertising. Former customer Dawn Eden says it best in her letter to GoDaddy president Bob Parsons:

You say on your blog that good advertising should be polarizing. It’s now apparent that you meant pole-arizing, as in a stripper’s pole. This female customer is keeping her clothes on–and finding another registrar.

To help the beleaguered Mr. Parsons gauge his future advertising decisions, the home office in Puritan, Iowa presents tonight’s list of Top Ten Signs that your GoDaddy Commercial Has Gone Too Far:

10. Tipper Gore is immediately hospitalized after suffering a massive stroke in front of the television.

9. On Monday morning, you open your email box to find 28 urgent emails from your legal department.

8. Muslim extremists begin torching wireless access points in Syria, Jordan, and Pakistan.

7. Senator Ted Kennedy requests a personal interview with your “spokesperson.”

6. GoMommy.com sues for sole custody of the children, citing moral turpitude.

5. TiVo recalls all of their set-top boxes from college fraternity houses to prevent accidental fires due to overuse.

4. All of your adult-site registrants pull their business due to “unfair competition” and “conflict of interest.”

3. Larry Flynt sends a dozen roses and won’t stop calling.

2. You get a greeting card from the ACLU that says, “Thinking of you — call us if you need anything.”

1. Bill O’Reilly’s show launches an investigation into the “War on Boobies in America.”

10. …calls to his attorney have not been returned.

9. Any use of the adverb allegedly.

8. …former child star…

7. …reportedly had sex with…

6. The word estranged when coupled with spouse, child, or family dog.

5. …along with Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy…

4. Anything that references a bizarre murder-suicide.

3. Any combination of the words tornadic activity, Oklahoma, double-wide, and torrential.

2. The word indictment is always bad. When in conjunction with the word sealed, seriously consider a bizarre murder-suicide.

1. The CEO of (name of company you just invested in) vigorously denied the fraud allegations. Calls to his attorney have not been returned.

In my younger days, I used to attend science fiction conventions. Then I discovered the opposite sex and moved out of my parents’ house (not necessarily in that order). On rare occasions, I have attended the odd convention in hopes of rekindling the old love. Sadly, the relationship appears to be beyond repair. The fen, as convention-goers so endearingly call themselves, no longer recognize me as one of their own. It’s as if they can smell something different about me (probably my mortgage).

Of course, it doesn’t help that I can’t stop laughing my head off while I’m there. Now I know what was meant by the phrase “You can never go home again” — you’ll spend most of your time in front of the closet exclaiming, “My God, I wore that?”

Without further digression, here is my top ten list of Reasons I Am No Longer Welcome at Science Fiction Conventions:

10. At the panel discussion on “Who is Tougher: Kirk or Picard?” I kept shouting that Edward James Olmos, a.k.a., Commander Adama could kick both their butts all the way to Rigel.

9. I constantly argued with the judges of the Costume Contest that “the bigger the woman, the smaller the costume” should not a valid scoring methodology.

8. I learned the hard way that only L. Sprague de Camp could get away with wearing an ascot at a convention.

7. My wedding pictures contain exactly zero shots involving lightsabers, Starfleet uniforms, green-skinned clergy, or a best man wearing a Darth Vader helmet.

6. I screamed in horror at the woman in the Hillary Clinton costume. Oh, wait, that’s from “Top Ten Reasons I Am No Longer Welcome at the Democratic National Convention.”

5. I wore a clothespin on my nose while sitting in the gaming room.

4. I kept asking the Franklin Mint guy if the Star Trek collectible plates were microwave-safe.

3. I have a child. As in any real-world situation dominated by single people, “children should be seen, not heard.” Of course, in this context “seen” means “seen saving the Enterprise from a warp core breach on the next episode of Star Trek” but you get the idea.

2. I couldn’t stop repeating the “Klingons around Uranus” joke.

1. I have actually had sex.

10. Critical Masha

9. Coed-efficient Friction

8. Kimetic Energy

7. Madame Curie-ous

6. Parabolic Arcadia

5. Out-of-Uniform Circular Motion

4. The Newton-Meter Maid

3. Valerie Vector

2. Ohmic-od!

1. Delta Vee

Thanks to the advances of geriatrics in the 23rd century, senior citizens like Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise continue to enjoy active and productive lives. However, all good things must come to an end, and so eventually must Captain Picard pass into that long, lonely night.

To help his crewmates determine when it’s time to buy the Captain his gold chronometer, the home office on Memory Alpha has compiled this list — the Top Ten Signs that Captain Picard is Going Senile:

10. He begins chasing crewman around the lower decks with a sword.

9. When in Ten-Forward, he grabs Guinan by her hat and tries to throw her around the room like a frisbee.

8. The Enterprise makes it all the way to Aldebaran before he notices the starboard blinker has been on the entire time.

7. He orders LaForge to install Clappers ® on all turbolift doors.

6. During tense battle alerts, his Depends undergarments tend to leak.

5. He keeps leaping from his seat, gesticulating wildly with his hands at the main viewer, shouting “It’s the whale! A great, white whale!”

4. He cannot remember which number to call Commander Riker.

3. He starts to give orders for course changes, but stops before saying “engage” because he can’t make his fingers work correctly.

2. Every time he sees Lieutenant Worf, he leans over and quietly asks Riker, “What the devil is a Klingon doing on my bridge?”

1. He begins shaving his chest so he can be more like Captain Kirk.

This top ten list is dedicated to the making of mountains out of molehills.

10. Kilimanjaro

9. C

8. Mount St. Helens

7. Mons Olympus

6. A

5. K2

4. Col du Galibier

3. DD

2. B

1. Grand Teton

Did you ever hear the one about the Andorian who had the blues? Never mind. Live from the home office on Memory Alpha is our Top Ten List of “Punchlines from the Star Trek Universe”:

10. “…when they said, ‘phaser’, he thought they said ‘razor’, and he ended up disintegrating his head.”

9. “…’Fully functional?’ More like ‘Warp Ten, thank you ma’am!’”

8. “…to which the Klingon barber replied, “It is a good day to dye!”

7. “…but I thought you were injected with the contraceptive nanites!”

6. “…and the heroic warrior clove his foe’s head in twain and feasted upon his liver.” (translated from the original Klingon)

5. “…and the Mugatu farmer replied, ‘But I don’t even have a daughter!’”

4. “…so that the inverse square of the constant K as related to the co-generation of the two warp fields represented an irrational value.” (translated from the original Vulcan)

3. “…what do you mean, ‘freeze program’, human slime?”

2. “…well if this is the ambassador, what happened to my dinner?”

1. “…why, yes, that is a Tribble in my pocket, but I’m still glad to see you.”

10. Spongebob Square-Dance
9. The Wild Thornberries Meet the Travelling Wilburys
8. Rugrats in Iraq
7. Bear in the Big Outhouse
6. Spongebob Riverdance
5. World’s Wildest Police Videos Caught on Animation
4. Michael Jackson’s Playhouse
3. Little Timmy Leary’s Laboratory
2. Toons Gone Wild!
1. Pokemon - Satan Fools Your Parents