Play One on TV

In my younger days, I used to attend science fiction conventions. Then I discovered the opposite sex and moved out of my parents’ house (not necessarily in that order). On rare occasions, I have attended the odd convention in hopes of rekindling the old love. Sadly, the relationship appears to be beyond repair. The fen, as convention-goers so endearingly call themselves, no longer recognize me as one of their own. It’s as if they can smell something different about me (probably my mortgage).

Of course, it doesn’t help that I can’t stop laughing my head off while I’m there. Now I know what was meant by the phrase “You can never go home again” — you’ll spend most of your time in front of the closet exclaiming, “My God, I wore that?”

Without further digression, here is my top ten list of Reasons I Am No Longer Welcome at Science Fiction Conventions:

10. At the panel discussion on “Who is Tougher: Kirk or Picard?” I kept shouting that Edward James Olmos, a.k.a., Commander Adama could kick both their butts all the way to Rigel.

9. I constantly argued with the judges of the Costume Contest that “the bigger the woman, the smaller the costume” should not a valid scoring methodology.

8. I learned the hard way that only L. Sprague de Camp could get away with wearing an ascot at a convention.

7. My wedding pictures contain exactly zero shots involving lightsabers, Starfleet uniforms, green-skinned clergy, or a best man wearing a Darth Vader helmet.

6. I screamed in horror at the woman in the Hillary Clinton costume. Oh, wait, that’s from “Top Ten Reasons I Am No Longer Welcome at the Democratic National Convention.”

5. I wore a clothespin on my nose while sitting in the gaming room.

4. I kept asking the Franklin Mint guy if the Star Trek collectible plates were microwave-safe.

3. I have a child. As in any real-world situation dominated by single people, “children should be seen, not heard.” Of course, in this context “seen” means “seen saving the Enterprise from a warp core breach on the next episode of Star Trek” but you get the idea.

2. I couldn’t stop repeating the “Klingons around Uranus” joke.

1. I have actually had sex.