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How to change your windshield wiper in twelve easy steps:

1. Start your car and drive out of your employer’s parking lot like you’ve had the worst day of your life (it really wasn’t, but I drive like that all the time).
2. Realize that it is snowing and it is extremely difficult to see out the windshield.
3. Casually flip on the windshield wiper.
4. Realize entirely one millisecond too late that you should have first freed the wipers from their frozen position on the windshield.
5. Listen to the *crack* of the blade-holder snapping off the wiper arm. Watch with dismay as it skitters up your windshield, over the top of the car, and into the street full of 40-mph traffic.
6. Park at the first convenient spot, which happens to be the visitor lot of a retirement home.
7. Jump out and run to your fallen wiper blade just in time to see it KO’d under the wheels of a passing Dodge minivan.
8. Scream profanities at the receding minivan while jumping up and down and waving random body parts in highly unacceptable gestures.
9. Pick up the scattered pieces of your wiper blade and return to vehicle. Grin sheepishly at the retirement villa residents who saw your little display and are watching you like you’re Charles Manson.
10. Drive off before someone bolts and calls the cops.
11. Go to Walmart. Spend 20 minutes trying to decipher the coffee-stained wiper refill cross-reference manual. Find out they’re “out of that size” in all but the most expensive, Teflon-coated varieties. Buy it anyway.
12. Change your wiper blade.

Be sure to tune in next time on “I’m Not a Real Mechanic” and watch as Joe learns how to refill his gas tank. Here’s a preview of the show:

1. Run out of gas in the middle of nowhere.