Play One on TV

The other day, I was responding to a poll from a market research company. This firm occasionally pays me real money for my time, so I try to be helpful and tolerant when they make their infrequent calls. On this particular call, I caused a bit of surprise in the household when I responded to the “political tendencies” question with the word “Libertarian.”

My wife found this incredibly funny. For most of my life, I dismissed Libertarians as a well-meaning but ineffective segment of the political spectrum. I considered myself a “moderate,” one of those enlightened individuals who picked and chose his candidates by will and will alone. Kind of like a Chinese buffet, only with the left and right sides clearly labeled in English. My wife, on the other hand, considered me a liberal, plain and simple. I suspect this may have something to do with my stance on the Iraqi War and my willingness to laugh out loud, with little provocation, at our current President.

Only recently have I begun to suspect that my indirection, as it were, actually contained a real direction. I used to see the political spectrum as a rational number line, with negative and positive numbers and me at number zero. Now I’m beginning to see some range of motion in the middle.

Both the left and the right are concerned about civil liberties, although they differ mightily on which liberties are most important. For example: a woman’s right to choose vs. a baby’s right to live. A criminal’s right to fair trial vs. the rights of the victims and their families. The rights of the moviegoing public vs. the rights of Pauley Shore to make a sustainable living. Each of these stances require us to care about one side or the other. I’m a little different. Sometimes I care about both sides. And some other times, I’m tempted to chuck the warring parties into a volcano.

Every once in a while, I hop over to The Political Compass and take their little ten-minute quiz designed to graph my political beliefs. Almost without fail, I end up with a chart that looks like this, which shows some distinctive Libertarian ideals and just a smidge of conservatism. Once in a while, I end up with a chart like this, which means that my conservatism is more of a mood than a lifestyle.

Among my conservative family and friends, there is this distressing tendency to dismiss my moderate beliefs as being “just another brand of liberal.” Even more distressing is that my liberal friends believe the same thing!! They think I’m a liberal that hasn’t come out of the closet.

This bugs the hell out of me. It’s almost as if the wearing of political extremes on your sleeve has become mandatory business wear, and people like me are unhip and square. Those who dare identify themselves as “moderate” are painted as indecisive fence-sitters who are either terribly confused or simply lying to themselves.

I have opinions, damn it, and they’re not all “I don’t know.” Let me give you a few.

• The death penalty should be abolished in this country.
• There needs to be more truth in sentencing. Too many criminals are sentenced to “ten years, with possibility of parole in two.” It as if we counted our incarcerations in doggie years.
• I am an evangelical Christian. No, not just Christian, but evangelical Christian. You know — hands in the air, saved by grace, the whole holy bit. I agree with many of my bretheren that we are being unfairly demonized by the media. Jerry Falwell is not our fault!
• I am firmly and irresolutely against prayer and religious instruction in public schools when led by administrators or teachers. Teaching my son about Jesus is my right and responsibility, not the State’s.
• There is too much sex on television, and not enough parents with enough moral fiber to turn the damn things off when kids are in the room.
• The First and Second Amendments (right of free speech/religion and right to keep and bear arms) are possibly the most important aspects of being an American. It saddens me greatly that many citizens willingly vote for laws that curtail or eliminate these rights.
• In many cases, abortion is wrong. But not in all cases. Because of this, it should never be wholly illegal.
• America should have a strong military and a willingness to use it where necessary. The job of “soldier” is one of the most honorable and revered trades that any man or woman can hope to undertake.
• The war in Iraq was a bad, bad, bad, bad idea. I am not a late, fairweather naysayer. I was against the war from the beginning. It breaks my heart to know that I was right.
• Germany should never be forgiven for giving David Hasselhoff a continuing career in show business in the dry years between Knight Rider and Baywatch.
• I find value and importance in both the NRA and the ACLU. They each have their place in the political process, and they each have their extremist nutcase causes. Kinda reminds me of the US Congress.
• I don’t think liberal solutions to social problems work - at all. I think many conservatives are soulless jerks who have not a whit of compassion. (these were stolen from Dan Lovejoy.)
• I love my country. But sometimes I can be terribly embarrassed about its citizenry.
• Ginger or Mary-Ann? Mary-Ann, definitely.

That’s good for starters. I defy you to find a single statement that came across as mealy-mouthed, indecisive, or confused. Especially the bit about David Hasselhoff.

Yet I can see the responses now from so many of the well-meaning liberals and conservatives who will blast and lambast my opinions (although they won’t pick on the same ones). Many will be confused by seeming inconsistencies (you’re Christian but you’re against prayer in schools? Does your pastor know this?) Still others will think that I lack the will to stay the course with a single, unified line of thought.

Fooey on you and your party-line. We’re the electorate, for Pete’s sake! We should be forming our own opinions, not following the whims of a group of statesmen who “obviously know what’s best for us.”

However, there may be an enlightened few with whom this little rant of mine will resonate. Do you struggle between compassion for the STD patient and condemnation of the lifestyle that gave the disease a foothold in his body? Do you feel that accusing a congressman of “moral turpitude” is like accusing Pete Townshend of being a rock star? Do you listen to radio personalities Al Franken and Michael Savage, not because you agree with them, but because they make you laugh out loud? Then welcome to my rather unpopular club.

Rant concluded. I’m going to toddle off to bed. And, if you wanted to know, I do sleep on the left side of the bed, but there’s a loaded pistol underneath, so it evens out.