Top Ten Ways to Get Rid of an Insurance Salesman
10. Agree to let him in only if he is willing to listen to your pitch on behalf of the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
9. With a a wild-eyed look and a quaver in your voice, ask him if he is the replacement agent from the surveillance team. Regardless of how he answers, answer “Thank God. I can’t take any more!” Hand him a pair of binoculars and leave the house for about an hour.
8. During the opening interview, pull out a cigarette and light it, making sounds of absolute pleasure every time you take a drag. In between bouts of hacking and spitting of yellow phlegm, ask repeatedly about coverage limits and when the first premium is due. Occasionally look at your watch and hurriedly drag on the cigarette again.
7. Ask if his firm offers a rider for coverage in the event you find rats in your Coke can.
6. Answer the door in a sequined purple g-string, dancing to the sounds of the Weather Girls hit “It’s Raining Men” playing loudly on your home stereo. (Bonus: be an overweight white guy in his forties).
5. Begin every sentence with the phrase, “Parenthetically speaking, of course…” while making a parenthesis sign with your hands.
4. When he starts to ask you questions about income, personal health, or existing coverage, decline to answer on the grounds that it may violate your Fifth Amendment rights against self-incrimination.
3. When reviewing the contract, take a big red pen and heavily circle every clause that makes reference to “suicide.” When he asks you about this, say, “Oh, this isn’t for your benefit. It’s for theirs.” Waggle your eyebrows and make surreptitious head motions to the ceiling.
2. Ask if your other five distinct personalities are covered under the same policy, or if a rider will need to be purchased for each one. Ask if the addition of a new personality qualifies as a “life-changing event” for purposes of coverage adjustment.
1. Spend the entire interview speaking just like Emo Philips.
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Re: #6—I weigh 300 lbs. and my 18 year-old daughter gave me a lime green thong as a (horror-inducing, oh-the-humanity, people-will-be-permanently-blinded) joke……..Would that meet the intended criteria, here?
May I offer a couple more? Casually mention something about the other 2 or 3 life insurance death policies you’ve collected, and be sure to mention Swiss bank accounts, too.
And, ask if the policy would pay off on someone if, perhaps, maaaaybeee…..they should be found buried in a crawlspace, ummmmmm….somewhere nearby?
This post was hilarious, Joe.
Diane,
Re your comment on #6, it is possible to turn the tables on such a gift. See one of Joe’s earlier entries, “Ode to a Christmas Gag Gift” http://www.pootv.com/archives/49. Since you’re also still married after so many years and so many pounds (just like me), I think you can make it work!
As for the insurance salesmen, hanging on to the collar of a plunging, snarling, 45 lb chunk of teeth and hair keeps them from opening the glass door and makes it easy to close the main door with an “I’m sorry, you’ll have to try calling!” At which point, I have no qualms about hanging up on them.
Stacey,
My daughter bought my husband a leopard print thong, but alas and alack, he was not man enough to wear them. Well, actually, he was TOO MUCH man to wear them, if you get my drift, LOL. Not to be wasteful, we gave them to my 75 year-old dad one Christmas, as a gag gift. A niece had brought her moneyed, land-holding, slumming boyfriend with her for the noon meal. When we opened gifts, he had a permanent disdainful smirk on his face. I fixed his little red wagon, as Daddy would say. Remember, I weigh 300 lbs. and I put that size Medium leopard print thong on over my clothes. Funny thing—he suddenly remembered a prior commitment and we haven’t seen hide nor hair of him since. Wonder why………….? LOL
Emo, Emo, Emo.
I’m the one in the middle you drunken fool!
And I love it when he eats the eyes of the chocolate bunny first and screams, “Stop looking at me!”
Tell the poor sales man that you respect the fact that he is just trying to earn a living and then ask him where he used to preach. “How’d you know?” he will ask, at which you can either insult him for trying to make a living selling a low life product like insurance (two steps lower than kiddie porn) and then kick him out. Or you can tell him you have no interest in his product, but if he wants to make a sure sale go to,,,and send him to the annoying man around the block who took you to court for having a dog that barks.