My Slice of Americana
If you’re ever hard up for something to write in your next blog entry, I have an excellent suggestion: Walk into the middle of an armed robbery.
Last night, I was driving home from a dinner party when I had a sudden urge for a Diet Coke. I pulled into the local Circle K (Kwick Stop, Quick Mart, whatever the heck they’re calling it this week) and told my wife and son to wait in the truck.
Nothing much was going on inside — a rather harried-looking female clerk was at the counter, assisting a man who was blowing his nose into a very large red bandana. The man turned to me and calmly ordered me to lie down on the floor, and punctuated this simple request with a rather large handgun. Obviously, this man did not have a cold.
I suddenly became very interested in the state and composition of the tiling underneath my feet.
The rest of the affair took less than a minute. There was the expected demand of “gimme the money” followed by the sound of a register drawer being emptied into a bag. The fellow then walked directly past me and out of the store, while I did my best impersonation of the most harmless, least threatening person on the entire planet.
While I was lying there trying to become one with the tile, I was surprised at how calmly I was reacting to the entire incident. Although my heart was skipping more than a few beats, I wasn’t screaming, crying, or losing control of voluntary muscles. In fact, the primary thought running through my head was, “Man, it would really suck if I got shot in front of my family over a Diet Coke.” My real concern was for my family, but I need not have worried. They reacted to my sudden interest in prone activities by diving for the floorboards of the truck and dialing 911.
I’ve heard that people involved in moments of crisis often have the surreal feeling of “this isn’t really happening.” I won’t say that I was in total denial, but I did have this sense that I was part of a carefully-prepared script. He was the robber, she was the clerk, and I was the bystander. None of us, as far as I could tell, were angry, on methamphetamine, or a black belt waiting for a chance to be Chuck Norris. He came, he took, he left, and then all hell broke loose as police officers from three municipalities came storming in the front door.
The only thing missing was the “Bad Boys” soundtrack.
I gave the police the best description I could — man with slight build, about 5 foot 7 inches in height, black, wearing a navy blue cloth jacket in either a hoodie or athletic style, black bandana on head tied in a tight “doo-rag” style, carrying a red bandana that looked like something John Wayne would tie around his neck, and wearing soft-soled shoes (judging from the sound he made as he stepped over my head). Didn’t see his whole face, didn’t read the logo on his shirt, didn’t see what shoes he had. Yep, not much to go on.
Oh, and he had a large, Colt 1911A2-style semi-automatic handgun in .45 ACP with a nickel-plate finish and a full underlug. Having a gun pointed at you can really focus your memory.
I’m not sure if they caught the guy. He left the store on foot, leaving behind a cloth bandana (ironically, one with $100 bills printed all over it). Judging from the five police cars, one police helicopter, and one K-9 unit scouring the neighborhood, my new acquaintance was not going to have an easy night.
As I was driving home, I complained to my wife that it wasn’t fair; she’s the one that works at a bank, so I’ve always assumed that she would be the first one to experience a real American armed robbery. She didn’t think I was funny, and neither did my son. I guess I was being a little callous — they had to watch the whole thing, helplessly, wondering if I was going to walk out alive.
Melodrama aside, we learned a thing or two about how important we are to each other. I also learned a thing or two about myself. I tend to panic when my checkbook doesn’t balance or when a computer crashes at work. It’s good to know that when my life is threatened, I’m as cool as a cucumber. Granted, I would rather have not learned this at all, but I’ll take what I can get.
I’m just peeved that I didn’t ever get my Diet Coke.
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The funny thing is I was going to ask you last night if you ever did get the Diet Coke. I’m just glad everything turned out alright. We were all terrified for you, and this was already after the fact. Believe me, if something would have happened to you, I would have bought that 2 liter of coke, hunted the guy down, and do my own personal prostate exam on him.
I know I wasn’t there to experience it, and wouldn’t know how I would have reacted, but it sure makes you think about life, doesn’t it? One minute, we are having a nice little family dinner get together; laughing, telling jokes, having fun, and the next thing I know I hear my brother had a gun pointed to his head. Things can change in an instant in this life.
A little advice for you? Next time, either go to a big store such as Albertsons or Walmart (not perfectly safe, but safer than EZ Mart) or better yet, take the Diet Coke from the gargantuan number of soda cases that mom and dad keep in the garage. You know they stock up all the time. Never know when you will need a coke in the fallout shelter.
Finally, if you MUST go into an EZ Mart, 7-11, Ben’s Cheeze and Beer Shack, etc., make sure you take my bud Sherriff John Bunnell with you. In the very least, the robber wouldn’t have a clean shot at anybody due to the blinding light emanating from the good Sherriff’s teeth.
In all seriousnous, Joe, I thank God you are alright. I love you, bro.
Wow, bet that was “exciting”. Glad you and the family are all right!
I’ve said many a time “I’d die for a Diet Coke right now!” I didn’t mean it LITERALLY! But you know, you really get addicted to those Diet Cokes, and then you wake up one morning in a horrible blizzard, your car is stuck in the driveway, and you realize one of your precious children wasted your last Diet Coke the night before and…. I’m glad you made it out with your sense of humor intact. I’m glad Stacey and Matt were not car-jacked by the psycho. Give the guy to me! I’ll roundhouse kick him to Uranus! He’ll be so stuck in Uranus, he’ll be a cling-on for the rest of his sorry life!
Wow. I’m glad you and the family are OK. Shannon and I were just saying last night how much we love your blog because it makes us laugh. That would suck if we couldn’t laugh just because you had to have a diet coke RIGHT THEN. Seriously, though, glad you’re all safe. What a random thing.
It was over so fast there wasn’t time to panic. By the time I got my cell phone out of my purse and had punched 911 he was out the door and gone. I don’t think any of us really reacted until we got home. I’m just glad I didn’t have to put my Scout first aid skills to the test!
Next time we stop at a quick stop (in daylight, in a nicer part of town) I’ll be looking more carefully through the plate glass windows before I walk in!
Oh, gosh, I’m so glad you are okay. Whenever we travel, my husband is always the one to run in while the kids and I wait in the car. I’ve always had this irrational fear (or rational now, I suppose) that I would have to watch him get held up in a convenience store. Yikes.
I must say, Stacey and Matt sure did a good job, too! Most families would not have been paying such close attention and may not have had the presence of mind to duck down and hide.
Did you have to stay around forever to tell your story to the police? Did the clerk have a nervous breakdown? Was it her first robbery? I can’t imagine having that job!!
Glad you’re okay.
That was you?
Just kidding!
You are all missing the valuable scientific observation here. Diet Coke causes Quik Mart robberies. We can now go about the business of putting an end to small store robberies by elimenating Diet Coke.
Glad you are ok. FYI- the callous joke was a personal defense mechanism to allow you to survive the event by making light of it. Just thought you should know.
For the record, I did have a Diet Coke this morning. Call it my way of thumbing my nose at the fates.
When Stacey got home this evening, she gifted me with 8 liters of Diet Coke. I think she wants me staying in for the next few nights.
Thanks, everyone. Nothing soothes like the best wishes from friends and family.
Oh, and in answer to Jan’s questions, I only had to hang around for about 30 minutes, and I spent at least 15 of that writing my statement (little did they know that they had a blog writer on their hands. I almost had to ask for a second sheet of paper.)
The clerk seemed to be handling it okay. She gravitated between relief and anxiety in a manner that, under more normal circumstances, would be confused with an attack of acute schitzophrenia. Under these circumstances, however, she was just peachy if you ask me.
Speaking of your blogging skills (plus a bag of chips), did you tell the cops the one about the Teletubbies? Bet they’d be so impressed that you could whip out some Tinky-Winky, they’d invite you to their balls. Ha ha ha. Okay, okay, I HAD to bring this down a few levels.
Jane and Joe, you want to bring it down a few levels, go check out http://www.ezmart.com/virtual.html So Joe, were you laying down by the FaEllen Gourmet Coffee, or the ever popular Dog Bar? You know, I drove by that Shell EZ Mart today on the way to Quail Springs. Within that 2 mile stretch of Penn, between Britton and 122nd, there has to be at least, what, 8 quickie shops? That area probably has the highest concentration of quick stops in the city. Of all places to rob, he picks the Shell EZ Mart, one of the busiest (and nicest) along there. I would have thought he would want to hit the one across the street from there. You know the one that’s THE most rundown quickie in the area with Cigarettes and Beer in big red letters across the barred windows. Don’t know if you remember, but before that it was a TV repair shop, and before that, a Kinney Shoe store.
As usual, I have more advice for you. Be like me, and just drink Pepsi. Here is my reasoning. Diet Coke is, well, diet. Pepsi is a MAN’S drink. 40 grams of unadulterated sugar/corn fructose syrup baby! Drink Pepsi like you drink Diet Coke, and it means major dental problems. Major dental problems require major dental financing to insure you can maintain your Pepsi intake and still be able to chew food. Major dental financing (even with insurance) makes for a much lighter wallet. A much lighter wallet means you must find much cheaper 2 liters. $1.50 at quickie mart, or 89 cents at Crest Foods? Little money, little choice. Crest Foods. Never yet heard of people forced to lie down while being robbed at Crest Foods. Much much safer. The moral? Drinking Pepsi prevents guns from being pointed at you.
And you think you brought it down a few levels, Jane.
Joe, I know you have made light of the situation, and I am just adding to that. I know the whole thing was serious, and I’m just glad you are okay. I feel the worst for Matt. He was the most upset. I asked him the day before all this happened if he reads your blog, out of concern for some of the sometimes off color comments written and posted, and he said he could if he wanted to, but he didn’t care for it. I have to say the kid has good taste. haha Anyway, they say laughter is the best medicine, you can look back now and laugh at it, always wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident, etc. etc. In any case, this will be my last humorous (imho) post on the subject. So to take it out on a serious note, I am so happy and relieved you all are fine, and take care of that boy of yours. He will need a little special attention for a while yet, I think.
Joe,
I left a comment on the post about your Scouts’ religion badge, but when I read this one, I had to comment. I found your blog by way of shannon, from rocks in my dryer.
You don’t know me from Adam’s off ox, but I am so glad you are okay, and didn’t become a statistic yesterday. Life is tenuous, like a vapor, and so precious. Near misses like that only make us more aware of how fleeting this life is, and how we need to be sure we are prepared to meet our Lord at any time. It makes us appreciate our loved ones more, too.
If it is agreeable to you, I would like to visit here often. I like your writing style, and your sense of humor.
Be safe.
Hi Diane. Just wanted to leave a comment on your comment, if you don’t mind. We had another incident tonight that Joe is not aware of just yet, but will be soon. It’s not my place to mention it here, but I will say that everything is now fine. I couldn’t agree with you more. Life is very precious, and things could change in an instant. It does make us appreciate our loved ones more, and after tonight, I can say for a certain little niece of mine, and in fact for my other 4 nephews and son, I will cherish every moment I get to spend with them that much more. Everything with Joe and his family, and my niece tonight, all in a two day period, just really brought home to me how fragile life can be, and how close you should stay with your loved ones, because tomorrow, they or you may not be a part of this life anymore.
On a lighter note, Joe is an excellent writer, and he does have a great sense of humor. (I’m his brother, so I’m not only biased, but he pays me to say these things, albeit a nickle per word.) Just opposite of you, I found Shannon’s Blog through Joe’s, and enjoy her writing too.
Joe’s a great person and writer. Stick around for awhile and I’m sure you’ll have a good time.
Mike, and Joe,
Thanks for the welcome, and I am glad to hear yet another crisis turned out well for your family.
I will certainly be back to visit often, probably daily, and if Joe doesn’t mind, I may add a link on my blog to this one. If you would rather I didn’t, no problem, I understand.
I am Southern Baptist, white, 42, married 20 years (to the same man!), have an 18 year-old daughter who will graduate from HS and go on to college in August (sniff, sob), and I live in a little town in Northeast Arkansas. Bay is about 10 miles south of Jonesboro, the nearest city of any size, and about 65 miles from Memphis, TN, and about 80 miles from Little Rock, AR. I graduated from High School, but I have no other formal eduacation. I am mostly self-educated, and I read voraciously.
I look forward to getting acquainted. From what I have already read in Joe’s blog, and the comments, we share a very similar sense of humor, and a similar writing style.
Howdy, Diane! Nice to meetcha. I’ve been married 20 years to the same woman, so it’s nice to hear that someone else besides me is keeping monogamy alive and well.
Hi, Diane! I just had to add my greeting too. We’re like the Waltons. Ha ha. I’m Jane, the annoying, baby sister of Joe & Mike. I accept the title of Annoying and wear it proudly like a Purple Heart! They deserve any wrath I bestow upon them.
Yep, we’re like the Waltons alright. Joe is like John Boy Walton, I’m like Ben Walton, and Jane is like Jim Bob Walton. Wait a second. Something’s not right. Let’s see, Jane is a female and Jim Bob………..oh I know what’s wrong with this comparison. Jim Bob’s nose wasn’t that big.
It has been a while since I’ve had any wrath bestowed upon me. I’m about due.
Thanks for the welcome, everyone, and nice tameetcha, too. I am the fourth of 5 sisters, no brothers, so I know all about big families. I feel right at home already, LOL. Mike has already visited my blog and made himself at home, and everyone else is welcome to come by, too. Just get yourself a glass of iced tea or Diet Coke, or whatever your poison is, and sit yourself down a spell. Just move the shoes out of your way, shove the dirty socks aside and be careful not to sit on the cat. I think we are going to get along fine, smile. Don’t be strangers,
[…] My regular readers might assume that this newest handgun purchase was motivated by last weeks brush with the local criminal element. Yes, that incident may have influenced my timing, but we had been contemplating a return to Handgun Alley for several months now. What reallyinfluenced our decision? Hurricane Katrina. […]