Play One on TV

This post is dedicated to “Big Unit” for continuing to bug me about writing this up.

You may recall the recent arrival of a glowing package upon my front porch. This was the end result of a sordid tale that started with an innocent link from Lynn, a not-so-innocent comment from me, and then a completely-guilty impulse buy.

The package was shipped promptly from Amazon.com, and I crowed to one and all when it arrived, promising an unveiling within a Biblically-sound three days time. I then let the silly thing sit around the house for two weeks. Thank goodness that procrastination isn’t one of the seven deadly sins.

I finally dug him out of the box a couple of days ago (note the user of the lower-case in “him” — wouldn’t want to give the little guy any wrong ideas about his place in the household). He’s in the photo below being held by the devilishly handsome fellow.

I was amused to discover that Jesus came in a modern blister-pack card. Obviously the Almighty has discovered modern marketing techniques. No sneaky night-time Bethlehem arrival for this savior — he’s ready for the power aisle at Wal-Mart. The header across the top of the package identifies this as the JESUS ACTION FIGURE with a vibrating font that threatens to loosen my fillings if I look at it too long.

According to the packaging subtitle, this version of Jesus comes courtesy of Accoutrements — Outfitters of Popular Culture. From this, I take it that this is a “pop-culture” Jesus. Funny, I would have thought an Elvis suit would be mandatory.

Along the bottom of the package, a blurb points out that Jesus has “poseable arms and gliding action!” Gliding action? Sure enough, a quick glance underneath reveals four plastic wheels spaced evenly around his base. I’m not sure to what effect this can be put, unless I want him to float menacingly from place to place like the evil wizard from Big Trouble in Little China. Unfortunately, Jesus’ new wheels come at the expense of articulating legs, so I sure hope the Temple has handicapped ramps.

A warning states, “Choking hazard. Small parts. Not suitable for children under three years.” So much for “suffer the little children to come unto me.”

The back of the box holds a great deal of biographical information, including 12 different quotations from the Bible. However, on closer inspection, the “bible excerpts” are not entirely canon, as two of the quotations are from the Gnostic “Gospel of Thomas,” a favorite of the New Age and Unitarian crowd (I call them “Crystal Christians”). I also note that the biography takes the “historical Jesus” viewpoint, stating that “for Muslims and some Jews, Jesus was a prophet; Buddhists say he was enlightened; Hindus call him an avatar.” No mention of the Resurrection, salvation of mankind, being born of the Virgin Mary, or much of anything else that would get this action figure invited to all the best parties at the Vatican.

In other words, this is a post-modern Jesus action figure. Bummer. I should have given over the extra cash for the Deluxe version.

Freeing Jesus from his earthly entombment is as simple as pulling the plastic bubble away from the backing card. I would have expected to roll away a stone or something, or at least a trump sounding in the distance. Just to get it out of the way, I immediately put him on the table and rolled him across. Sure enough, he glides, albeit in a slightly jerky fashion that brings to mind a stop-motion claymation doll.

They weren’t kidding about the “poseable arms” bit, either. The arms do pose, articulating at the elbows and the shoulders. He can reach to the heavens with the best of televangelists. And that’s it. Nothing else moves on this guy, not even the head. The neck looks like it might twist back and forth, but it’s being held in place by a hard plastic hairdo that screams the word “mullet.” His purple robe is a molded part of his body and can’t be moved or rearranged. I suppose I should take comfort that nobody will be able dice for this particular set of clothes.

Another quick glance at the box confirmed my suspicions — this Jesus was made in China. Never put your faith in a savior that comes from the lowest bidder.

No wounds in the hands or the side. Yep, definitely a post-modern historical Jesus. Sigh.

This being an action figure, my son and I decided it was high time he did something action-figurish. What better way to introduce him to the household than with a good old-fashioned Pokemon battle? Naturally, I chose Jesus. My son, ever the predictable one, chose Pikachu. The picture doesn’t quite do justice to the battle; you had to be there.

All in all, I’m a little disappointed in the quality and workmanship of this particular iteration of the Alpha and Omega. I guess they don’t make King of Kings like they used to. Although the gliding action is a nice touch, it makes it kind of hard to put him on my dashboard, as he’d keep rolling off at stoplights. One sharp turn and he’d be in the yuck at the bottom of the cup holder, and that’s not a dignified thing to do to any Jesus action figure, post-modern or not.

Still, I’m determined to get my $10.00 worth of fun out of this little guy. Maybe I could take him to the zoo and he could bless all the animal toys in the gift shop. Or perhaps he could heal all the broken G.I. Joe figures in my nephew’s toy box. I am open to suggestions!

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the Pokemon battle was no challenge. True to form, Pikachu opened with a Thundershock attack, but Jesus easily rebuked it (power over storms, remember?) and followed up with a Smite attack. Pikachu took 1,000,000 points of damage and was immediately sent to that great Pokeball in the sky.