Play One on TV

A tribute to the queens of the Saturday morning cartoon hour who took shameless advantage of my young and tender heart.

Wilma Flintstone from “The Flintstones”
(voiced by Jean Vander Pyle)
I know, I know, what’s to love about Wilma Flintstone? No chin, smarmy voice, and that horrid bun hairdo! However, Wilma was my first exposure to the mysterious, sexy world of off-the-shoulder dresses. Thanks to her early influence, to this day I harbor a secret fascination for feminine shoulders. Wilma also gave me a penchant for red hair that afflicted me for many years, turning fourth grade into a living hell when I fell madly in love with a red-headed girl who (naturally) hated my guts.

Betty Rubble - “The Flintstones”
(voiced by Gaye Hartwig Autterson)
Betty was my “safety girlfriend.” I fell for Betty when I realized that my main squeeze, Wilma, was married to big, burly Fred Flintstone. Fred could eat me alive and then use my shinbone to pick his teeth. On the other hand, Betty was married to Barney Rubble, an über-wimp if one ever lived. Even at the age of six, I knew I could take him as long as I got first strike. I was too young for Crosby, Stills, and Nash, but I certainly understood the sentiment “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

Maria Figeuroa Rodriguez - “Sesame Street”
(played by Sonia Manzano)
I shouldn’t have to explain this one. Name one male from my generation that didn’t have a deep longing for Maria, the ultimate singing Kindergarten teacher, and I’ll show you someone who grew up without a television in the house. Maria was my cross-border hot momma, but she broke my heart when she married Luis. A few years ago, I learned that it was all just a television marriage. My reaction? YES!!

Joy - “The Bugaloos”
(played by Caroline Ellis)
If you don’t remember the Bugaloos, don’t feel left out. Just think “The Wiggles” with fairy wings, antenna, disco, and a lot fewer homosexual overtones. Joy was a miniskirted and gogo-booted pixie who met all of my dream girl requirements — she was cute, perky, possessed the power of unassisted flight, had huge insect wings and was able to play a mean tambourine. However, her British accent threw me a bit. I just assumed she had a speech impediment. No problem — it wasn’t like I wanted to sit and have a long talk or anything.

Mary Ann Summers - “Gilligan’s Island
(played by Dawn Wells)
Technically, including Mary Ann in my tribute is not in keeping with the “Saturday morning cartoon” theme. However, Gilligan’s Island was certainly silly enough for Saturday morning fare. I can only assume that the producers sacrificed virgins to Satan to keep this turkey in prime time all those years. Anyway, this entry will serve as my answer to all those pop-psychology quizzes that ask, “Ginger or Mary Ann?”

Wendy - “The Superfriends”
(voiced by Sherri Alberoni)
I loved the Superfriends, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel all warm and cuddly about Wonder Woman. Let’s face it - Wonder Woman is simply way too intimidating for any man, much less a boy of eight. Fortunately, along came sidekick Wendy, a much more down-to-earth and accessible woman. Instead of star-spangled leotards and bullet-proof bracers, Wendy sported more sensible accoutrements like wide collars and sweater-vests. It’s really too bad disco died and took her entire closet with it.

Holly Marshall - “The Land of the Lost”
(played by Kathy Coleman)
True, Holly was a little whiney at times, but this didn’t stop me from carrying a serious torch for her, pig-tails and buck teeth included. Her father had truly cool hair. I always knew that if Holly and me got married, everyone at the wedding would be talking about my new father-in-law’s righteous ‘doo. In third grade, I made the mistake of telling my best friend that I had a crush on Miss Holly. He thought I was referring to another girl named Holly who sat three rows back and gave new meaning to the term “big-boned.” Word got out that I was in love with “Holly the Huge” and I ended up living under a paper bag for the rest of the semester. Ah, Holly Marshall, if only you knew the suffering I went through for your sake.

Isis - “The Shazam/Isis Hour”
(played by Joanna Cameron)
I don’t like to admit this, but my attraction wasn’t to the Isis persona. I was in love with her alter-ego Andrea Thomas, mild-mannered high school teacher (complete with disguise-quality eyeglasses). I couldn’t wait to get out of elementary school and get me a teacher like Ms. Thomas. Unfortunately, none of my high school teachers ever lived up to her example, especially the part about turning in circles and transforming into a flying daughter of Pharaoh.

Laura Gentry - “Space Academy”
(played by Pamelyn Ferdin)
Pamelyn Ferdin was all over the Saturday morning landscape of the 1970’s. She did Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, Lassie, Peanuts, and even guested on an episode of “Star Trek”. But when she hit Space Academy, she was “all growed up” and sent my heart into warp drive. It also didn’t hurt that she had the keys to her own space shuttle. However, her voice just had to go. It had a pinched, nasal quality that set my teeth on edge and had me wishing for a roll of duct tape. They say that in space, nobody can hear you scream. I just hoped this also meant nobody could hear Pamelyn Ferdin talk.

Smurfette - “The Smurfs”
(voiced by Lucille Bliss)
I have no idea why I felt compelled to include Smurfette in this little roundup, so please don’t ask. If I ever go into therapy, I’m sure this topic will be explored quite thoroughly. Let’s just leave it at that, okay?

Kimberly Hart - “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers”
(played by Amy Jo Johnson)
By the time the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers had invaded my home, I was a married adult and a father, so I wasn’t so much “in love with” as “mildly appreciative of” the young Miss Kimberly. My reaction was tempered by the fact that I recognized she was there to “give the Daddies in the audience someone to watch”. Kimberly was but the first of many cheerleader-esque Power Rangers. However, none of the subsequent Pink Rangers ever held a candle to Kimberly, the original Valley Girl of Martial Arts.

Debbie Thornberry - “The Wild Thornberries”
(voiced by Danielle Harris)
I don’t see Debbie as a love interest; rather, as a sort of kindred spirit. I feel like I really understand her. We could be great friends, sharing the angst of the living in a Combi in Darkest Africa, missing out on a social life because the nearest teenager is 400 miles away, suffering the indignity of not being able to find any grunge fashions in Nairobi, and living with a geeky sister that talks to animals. Like, I can totally identify with that.