Closed Captioning for Consumers
I have this little voice inside my head (one of many) who has a slightly more cynical take on the world than I do. It is because of his running commentary that I tend to walk around with a goofy grin on my face.
He is especially good at poking fun at consumer advisory labels. For those of you longing for a peek inside my head, now is your chance. Here are some important consumer disclaimers and warnings, translated for the cynically impaired.
Open carefully; contents under pressure.
Be sure to open this over a part of the body that will cause maximum embarrassment when wet.
While using this medication, do not attempt to operate heavy machinery.
However, you’ll probably end up driving a 2000-pound automobile despite anything we say, so let’s leave it at the heavy machinery bit and call it even, okay? Oh, and you’ll probably use your cell phone, too.
Substance has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.
Maybe it really wasn’t this substance. It could have been anything. We’re talking about rats here. Air causes cancer in laboratory rats.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Buy another bottle tomorrow.
Kids, don’t try this at home.
While your parents are watching.
Your mileage may vary.
Unless you drive 10 miles per hour just like all of our quality control testers.
Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.
You must provide two sworn affidavits from licensed psychologists certifying your total lack of satisfaction.
We value your privacy.
Current value is $199.95 per megabyte of verified, categorized email addresses.
Parental discretion is advised.
So be sure to tell your parents that you did not watch this.
Bad credit? No credit? No problem!
We’ll sell you crap at 30% interest, and you’ll like it because you have no choice!
Listen to what the critics are saying…
Listen to what the critics are saying after we got them drunk at the screening.
Tear here.
It won’t tear hear.
Open this side.
It won’t open on this side.
This end up.
“Up” is a relative term where shipping companies are concerned.
Information in this email is confidential.
Which is why we used such a secure method like unencrypted Internet email to transmit it.
Removal of this tag by persons other than the consumer prohibited by law.
God knows your mother will never remove it.
Comments do not express the opinions of Clear Channel Communications.
We think Rush Limbaugh is full of baloney, too.
Product warranted to be free of defect in materials or workmanship for one year from the date of purchase.
Product will fail one year and one day from the date of purchase.
This computer program is protected by copyright law and international treaty.
You’ll doubtless be copying it anyway, but you should know we will be very, very disappointed in you.
Software minimum requirements are …
The software won’t run on your machine.
Software recommended requirements are …
Here is a list of components your computer does not have.
Rogaine may not be right for everyone.
Do you have $100 of discretionary spending money and a self-confidence deficiency? Then it’s right for you, stud!
Do not puncture or incinerate.
Do not give this to the bored Boy Scout who has been put in charge of the bonfire.
What you are about to see may shock you.
You might want to set aside that bag of Doritos for just one moment. Trust us on this.
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“What you are about to see may shock you.” The only time I’ve heard that is from my friend, and yours, in the law enforcement community, Sheriff (retired) John Bunnell. It didn’t want to make me set aside my bag of Doritos, but it sure made me want to grab a tube of Crest Extra Whitening toothpaste. “The criminal thought he was on the receiving end of a cash windfall. Now the only thing he’ll be receiving is a body cavity search at the state penitentiary.” My hero!!
Uh-oh. You had to go and say “John Bunnell.” Now I’m going to have to dig up that post from the old blog. If anyone complains, I’m blaming you.